I want to live. I’m not talking about breathing and eating and sleeping. Then I can just go through the motions. I want to love everything of what I’m doing. I want to feel passionately about everything I do and love. I know that’s impossible right now. It just makes me want the future so much more.
Speaking of the future. I’ve decided what I will do. It’s not specific unfortunately, but I know it’s what I want. I want to perform. I want to be on stage whether it’s dancing, singing, playing an instrument to the music I write or help to write. I don’t care what it is. I just know I need to be up there. So there are a few options for me:
musical theater (highly doubtful cause I don’t believe that I have the voice for it), theater (no experience, and I’m better at movement than just carriage of lines), dance (I’d be starting too late in my life…very unfortunately), writing and performing music (I’d have to be somewhat successful if I’m to be performing)…hmmm…so much seems doubtful. I guess I could go into choreography and dance education as I’d been thinking about doing, but that’s more of a background and less true performing on my part. My true dream is to be a dancer though. Too bad I didn’t figure that out until now.
I just want to feel passionate about whatever I’m doing. I want to strive for perfection in whatever I choose though. I want to make it worth my time.
Speaking of time. I have just realized what a giant waste of my time high school is. It’s difficult thinking about how much I could do with all of that time wasted.
To sum it all up, I’m tired of the way that I’m living, cause I’m not really living. I’m going through the motions. I’m not living the way I want to (which is not being lazy and doing nothing.) The way I want to live is more than just the way I want to eat (healthier and more diverse) and the way I want to dress (as in what I like and not what I think will be safe by my mother’s standards…as in not brightly colored or not stylish to HER) its about not having my parent’s and sisters’ negative energy about nothing in particular around me. It’s about feeling like I can do what I choose to, like practicing, reading, playing instruments, dancing, singing, playing on the computer, whatever. I’m tired of the situation I’m living in. I want to start discovering how amazing life can be. I want to value every second of my lifea s being worth the time I spent on it.
Funny how Herber asked me in class if that book changed my life. I said yes. It’s changed my perspective quite a lot. And that’s how I want my life to be. Plus some. And I know it’ll be hard. (it’s hard enough deciding where I”m going to college and what I”m doing). I’m excited for life.
