At home I have a laziness and general lack of caring to think that is very poisonous.  Here, I have room to think and change my routine to better benefit me.  I’m going to run/exercise every morning, as well as stretch.  I’m going to eat better and try and write on this blog every day.  I would completely lack that motivation were I at home and would never even think of attempting this. 

I need a change of scenery.  I’m ready to move out.  I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life in which I try to think about things, start new positive routines, live the rest of my life without routine as much as possible, and seek the things I love with a new-found passion.  Though this resolution is great for me, the problem lies in the fact taht I will lose that motivation as soon as I get home and into the thick of band season.  I’m gonna fight to not lose sight of what I want to do.

Speaking of the future.  I’ve decided what I will do.  It’s not specific unfortunately, but I know it’s what I want.  I want to perform.  I want to be on stage whether it’s dancing, singing, playing an instrument to the music I write or help to write.  I don’t care what it is.  I just know I need to be up there.  So there are a few options for me:

musical theater (highly doubtful cause I don’t believe that I have the voice for it), theater (no experience, and I’m better at movement than just carriage of lines), dance (I’d be starting too late in my life…very unfortunately), writing and performing music (I’d have to be somewhat successful if I’m to be performing)…hmmm…so much seems doubtful.  I guess I could go into choreography and dance education as I’d been thinking about doing, but that’s more of a background and less true performing on my part.  My true dream is to be a dancer though.  Too bad I didn’t figure that out until now.

I just want to feel passionate about whatever I’m doing.  I want to strive for perfection in whatever I choose though.  I want to make it worth my time.

Speaking of time.  I have just realized what a giant waste of my time high school is.  It’s difficult thinking about how much I could do with all of that time wasted.

To sum it all up, I’m tired of the way that I’m living, cause I’m not really living.  I’m going through the motions.  I’m not living the way I want to (which is not being lazy and doing nothing.)  The way I want to live is more than just the way I want to eat (healthier and more diverse) and the way I want to dress (as in what I like and not what I think will be safe by my mother’s standards…as in not brightly colored or not stylish to HER) its about not having my parent’s and sisters’ negative energy about nothing in particular around me.  It’s about feeling like I can do what I choose to, like practicing, reading, playing instruments, dancing, singing, playing on the computer, whatever.  I’m tired of the situation I’m living in.  I want to start discovering how amazing life can be.  I want to value every second of my lifea s being worth the time I spent on it.

Funny how Herber asked me in class if that book changed my life.  I said yes.  It’s changed my perspective quite a lot.  And that’s how I want my life to be.  Plus some.  And I know it’ll be hard. (it’s hard enough deciding where I”m going to college and what I”m doing).  I’m excited for life.

I’m not ready for it…

I don’t want a routine…

I enjoy this doing what I feel like..and listening to good music all day long!!!

only two more years…

then college…perhaps….(you may know what the perhaps is about..and you may not…)

but two more years of high school…

my mom graduated mid term cause she was sick of it…

now theres an idea….

Funny thing…I played my first gig today.  My teacher said “You are a paid professional now”  lol…yeah…I got paid $10 for sub-ing in with the Citizen’s Band.  It kind of made me feel special and excitred though.  I loved trying to get through the music (it was a little hard for me…sightreading it the day before and having all of 2 hours to practice it before the performance…), but it was nice.  Perhaps there is hope…

Thank you Mr. Josh Williams for aiding me in releasing my creative energy.

i feel so unmotivated to do ANYTHING in my life.

except write music…and talk with ryan..and listen to music…

i don’t even want to sleep or eat or move…

i feel like i don’t have the necessary technology to record and edit music (techno or not…) like a MIC!!!  or some sort of program!!!  I also feel like i dont have the ability technically!!!  for instance…i don’t know much about chords on guitar yet…which i feel would help…but i’m not sure if it would or not…cause i don’t know where to begin.

i want to talk to ryan…but i can’t…he’s in pennsylvania with his family on vacation.  so i e-mail him…and i will every night.

i miss him.

kinda hard to think about much else right now…

i can listen to music..but i like to be doing something else while i listen…i would take a walk..but i don’t even want to do that.  speaking of music…my current artist is Elliot Smith..very good if you want to listen.

I want to cry..but then i feel mad at myself and ask why.  then my mind makes up some crappy excuse and then i dismiss it because i know its crappy.  why am i turning into a wreck?  what is gonna happen to me after i graduate?  during that summer…no summer school…no marching band…me in my house with my family (who i get sick of sooooo quickly).  hopefully I’ll be writing music by then.  hopefully…i’ll be decent at guitar and piano by then.  hopefully…i’ll have some good technology, or a good computer by then…hopefully my mp3 player will be working by then.

so my hormones now have no reason for being screwed up..so why am i still all screwed up?

i’m so unmotivated…and i hate it…and i try and feel motivated..and i fail miserably…why?  what can i do?

which results in mood “swings” which happen to be more like flashes for me.  at least right now they are.  during the time i wrote that sentence (the longer one) i went trhrough confusion, happiness, giddiness, and possibly even a little depair…oi…the fun-ness of the human brain.

that is something I’d love to be able to replicate in a picture or in music.  speaking of which, im feeling inspired and feel liuke im slightly incapable of letting this inspiration out mainly because i’ve never really let inspiration out in any exceptionally open ended sort of way except writing-which i dont want to do.  however, plans to get myself a copy of some good music notation/creation sort of software are already in motion…yay!!!!!  as well as a cord to hook my keyboard up to the computer, and maybe a mic…yay!!!  i do believe i would put all of that into good use…especially right now.